I am a processor. To a fault most of the time. (Any other ENFJs out there? Is it a curse or a blessing? Cuz I’m not always sure!) Anyways. The other day, I stood staring out my window, sticking my spoon straight into the peanut butter jar (I mean, protein, right?!), and it hit me. A realization flooded over me with a force that can only be Sovereign. Motherhood just cannot be processed. I spend so much time fleshing out feelings, thoughts, actions that all seem so confusing and so contradictory. Continue reading
Barefoot or Heels?
My 2.5 year old daughter sits on the arm of the couch, intently focused on the tv show in front of her. She has an older brother, so she has conceded over the years to watching shows like “Blaze: The Monster Machine,” “Paw Patrol,” and other deemed “boy” shows. So, this morning, I turned on a new show for her. She loves Disney Princesses even though she doesn’t really know anything about them, so I tried out the TV show, “Tangled” (starring the princess, Rapunzel). I loved this movie, and so far I don’t have too much to say on the television show as this is most certainly not a show review. Something just struck me as I watched a portion of this episode and I knew I needed to write about it, cuz when I can’t get a thought out of my head no matter what I do, I know it needs to be written down.
Rapunzel is new to this princess gig. She is all dolled up in a gown and heels and struggling to walk down the aisle of her own coronation. After all, how do women walk in heels?! You can tell she has a spirit that wants to run free and a confidence to run with that spirit. She’d rather be barefoot and jumping mud puddles in the fields or really ANYWHERE except walking down that aisle.
Although I am very thankful for the change in the way girls and princesses are portrayed in these newer cartoons (growing up, I sincerely thought I needed a prince to be happy and I’d prefer there not to be Barbies in my house), I also hope I never give my daughter the impression that being classy and regal is not cool either. Or to be afraid to be the woman who walks in heels with all the class and chooses to wear lipstick every day. (I write more extensively on females empowering females in my post, Insecurity Cripples but Love Builds)
While I can personally relate to being uncomfortable all frilled up, I can also get caught up in that free-sprit, “don’t confine me,” “let me be me,””I’m just fine, thank you” attitude and that isn’t healthy either. After all, it’s super cool to be a take-no-crap, independent, confident woman these days, right?
Raising a boy AND a girl in this gender-sensitive, gender-confusing, gender-emphasizing world has this momma going crazy at times. It can be insanely fun and intensely overwhelming at the same time. As I continue to learn more about my evolution as a woman even in my 30’s, I’ll just beg for grace to teach Lilia and Logan that it’s ok for a woman to be strong, but it’s also ok to be a little dependent. That it’s ok to be free-spirited, but it’s also ok to be put together. It’s ok to be confident, but it’s also ok to feel weak. It’s fine to be casual and rugged, but it’s more than ok to be feminine.
At the end of the day, whether its jeans/tshirt, heels/dresses, free-sprit, dependent, independent, classy, rugged, whatever we are, we are all unique and loved by our Father.
I guess I’m just trying to say, I just hope in our attempts to empower women we aren’t also pressuring them to be something that they aren’t.
One half of a Year
That’s how old my baby girl is today. Something about this little girl puts me in a pile of mush. Maybe it’s a girl thing? But, I could seriously die thinking of how fast 6 months went. The pain of her birth is already a distant memory. It’s already hard to remember those newborn coos. Time flies by with a bundle of laughs, tears, and kisses and hugs. It doesn’t stop for me to barely breathe.
I’ve never ever been a kid person. In fact, I have always said I would have 2 kids. A boy first and then a girl. Then I could be done. Crazy enough, that’s exactly what God blessed me with. A boy first and then a girl! But motherhood has rocked me in ways I never knew possible. I am experiencing life in ways I never did pre-kids and certainly experiencing love in an extra-special way. There are multiple times I look on my 2 children with so much contentment and love that I could burst, truly. If you are wondering whether you should have children, it is a crazy journey that you won’t regret. The hard moments are many, but the joy is out of this world.
I want to update you all on Lilia. A few observations about her from her short life so far.
- She is so very feminine. The way she holds her hands, the way she looks at us, the way she smiles. It is all so sweet. She is gentle and soft and so very girly. I love her femininity. A woman with femininity paired with strength and intelligence is a triple threat!
- She is happiest at home. She loves being with her people. She is a little unnerved when we aren’t in her environment and usually crying ensues that we know not how to deal with because she is never like that at home!
- The only person that can make her full out LAUGH in the middle of crying is her brother. She absolutely adores him and follows him with her eyes *everywhere.* A frown turns into a smile and a tantrum turns into a laugh every time he speaks to her.
- She hates cuddling. Which is a total bummer for her momma. But, I guess I deserve it considering I am about the least touchy person you will ever meet.
- She is more serious than her brother. Logan was always so smiley and giggly (a total Kaser thing). Lilia smiles when she wants to. She is watching and observing and taking in everything around her in detail (a total Hervas thing). Don’t get me wrong, she is very happy and smiley. But it’s on her terms. Logan almost can’t help being smiley and laughing. It’s just how he is wired.
It will be fun to see how these observations pan out.
Thank you, Lord for a small boy who loves his family with his whole heart. Thank you, Lord for a beautiful girl who already shines with strength and loveliness. I am beyond undeserving and will be eternally thankful for the gift of my 2 children.
In one half a year, I will have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Time, please be kind to us and not go *too* quickly.
I often get the question now, “So, is the transition to 2 harder or easier than 1?” In some ways, I feel like it’s a funny question. Like, of course taking care of 2 children (one being a child entering the terrible 2s) is more difficult than taking care of 1. When you add a child, no matter how many kids you have, you are adding another human being to take care of and keep alive! However, I am going to try and answer this question. Continue reading
To my son, the little (almost) big brother
Well, your baby sister is coming in about 4 weeks, give or take. I have no idea what to expect. I know the initial days will be long and hard and sleepless. But, overall, I’m not even sure what to expect. Not just because I will all of the sudden be a mommy to TWO of you, but also because all I have known is YOU. My spunky little boy.
When your child. . . changes.
I’m not sure what I expected before I became a mom. I think you hope your child will be good and kind and gracious but at the end of the day you sort of *expect* that they WILL be. I’m surprised at my own surprise at my son’s sin nature. What did I expect? That I would have this perfect son who tells me he loves me all day long and plays quietly in a corner and eats all of his food without ever complaining? Well no. . . Or did I? Because I seem certainly taken by surprise by the child that wakes up every morning starting the day off with a battle. Continue reading
The Acceptance of Motherhood
For 7 years, summers were:
sleeping in until 9:00.
making coffee and eating cereal while watching Kelly and Michael.
afternoons spent babysitting a spunky girl by the pool.
reading. reading. and so much reading.
long summer evening walks with my husband, hand in hand, dreaming and laughing.
I was a teacher, so while the school year was intense, summers were blissful. School years were amazing in different ways. I loved what I did, and felt validated doing it. I got to act, direct, and teach. My schedule was packed with helping students, rehearsals, and still time to spend with my husband at home.
Why am I telling you all of this? Continue reading
18 Months: And the truth behind “it gets easier.”
As I have been a mom for now 18 months, I feel like I have learned that moms come in many different styles if you will. I watch some moms who seem to be so strong. They have 3 kids running around and are able to hold conversations with me while I am constantly checking on Logan out of the corner of my eye. I don’t think it is a secret to my friends and family and maybe some of you who read this blog that motherhood does not come naturally to me. I had a hard time leaving my job at work, I had a hard time accepting that my new reality consisted of cooking and cleaning 3 meals a day, trying to communicate with someone who can’t speak, wiping lots of poo, Continue reading
Good News (and the fear in my eyes)
I apologize I have been so silent lately! As most of you know, my husband and I are expecting baby #2 in September! The first trimester sucked all my energy from me and I was in a constant state of “fog.” I really didn’t have any desire to get on here and write. Also, all of those wonderful goals and plans went out the window. Back to raisin brand in the mornings over here! I hope to get back on track soon. I have been pretty nauseous and the nausea is just now going away. Yay!
Our little ones will be exactly Continue reading
Things I have learned about my MIL
So, it’s no secret that I am pretty obsessed with my little boy. He is quite literally my joy. He is the most precious gift ever given to me. I make no bones about the fact that I will probably be “that” mom. You know, the one swooping in to save him from the bullies, the mean girls pulling his hair, and basically anyone else who hurts my little baby! Have you ever seen “The Goldbergs?” Continue reading