Help my unbelief

quote-death-is-the-supreme-festival-on-the-road-to-freedom-dietrich-bonhoeffer-314057

So, its been a while! Of course, part of the reason for that is because I am chasing my sweet 14 month old all over the place. But, another reason is that I started this blog to help with my anxiety. Honestly, the past couple months, I have been feeling really good. I will always struggle with anxiety, but the intensity of my struggle has gotten better. Also, I was encouraged to never write a blog piece unless I felt compelled to write. Lately, I have not had the compelling urge to sit down and write. So I haven’t. But, today I felt like jumping back into the blogosphere.

This morning, I was thinking.

That can be a dangerous thing! 🙂  But, seriously, my thoughts went to a deep place. Eternity. I struggle with health anxiety which ultimately is a struggle with the reality of death, right? I absolutely hate thinking about forever. Yuck, I can’t even handle it! It’s like my brain wars over wanting to live forever but also NOT wanting to live always and always and always. . . You get the picture.

Anyways, I had one of those moments. I’m going to go out on a limb here and be real. I know Christians aren’t supposed to admit this, but. . .

sometimes I struggle with doubts.

“What if I don’t live forever in Heaven?”

What if everything I put my faith and hope in is wrong?”

“What will happen to me when I die?”

Doubts, doubts, doubts. The enemy loves to invade my thoughts and plant seeds of fear. Heck, my own flesh fails me even without the enemy’s help.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that when this happens, I cry out to my God. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!” And I know that I mean it. I do believe. I put all my hope in one God.  And I beg God to let His grace wash over me and invade my struggle. The words from the song, “Cornerstone,” came to me in an instant.

“When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.”

When my soul gives way to anxiety. When my soul gives way to doubts. When my soul gives way to anger. He then is all my hope.

He anchors me with His grace.

I have spent a lot of my life afraid of death. A quote from the biography of a German theologian, Bonhoeffer, has always brought me a measure of peace.

“Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives to people who believe in him. Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle; it beckons to us with heavenly power, if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace. How do we know that dying is so dreadful? Who knows whether, in our human fear and anguish we are only shivering and shuddering at the most glorious, heavenly, blessed event in the world?” -Bonhoeffer

HE is enough for me. Even when all around my soul gives way. I just have to preach that to myself – all the time.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. 

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