I’m going to be writing a few posts soon about my son turning one. I still have yet to write out his birth story! Oops!

While thinking about what a joy Logan has been in our lives, I can’t help but remember that there was a time we were hurting. And while I believe that it is important to be able to celebrate Logan’s life, I know that there will be some reading my blog posts and mourning the loss of a miscarried baby. I know there will be women with an ache. It is a normal, God-given ache to be a mom. I have been there. I would like to share a journal entry I wrote after I miscarried our first baby. I edited it a tad for info that just might be a little TMI, but I kept it as close to the original as possible. I hope it might be an encouragement to some of you hurting women out there. I want you to know you are not alone. 

“On June 5^th, 2012, I awoke suddenly around 4:30am due to a large clap of thunder. It sounded like the lightning had hit right next to our house. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I had already decided that the next morning, I was going to take a pregnancy test as I was suspecting that I may be pregnant. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I finally got up and quietly went into the dark bathroom and took one of probably 50 pregnancy tests I have taken in my life. I am very familiar with seeing a “not pregnant” or a negative sign. Although, most of the time, that was what I wanted to see, this time I was hoping for a “pregnant.” I looked down at the stick, fully expecting it to still be working and to have to continue to wait for the result, but to my absolute shock I saw one word. One word I will never forget.

Pregnant.

At once, waves of complete joy and complete fear flooded over me. Seriously? After all of the negatives, this one is positive? It can’t be! Being the obsessive researcher I am, I immediately began googling all sorts of advice and articles on what to expect. I was overjoyed. I was even more excited to tell my husband. But it was 4:30am! Hopefully, this would be an early morning for him, and he would wake up soon. But, no. . . he finally rolled out of bed at 7am. Longest 2 and half hours of my life! I waited for him to go downstairs, use the restroom, let the dog out. Then I walked downstairs and gave him the news. Needless to say, he was completely shocked! After my salvation and my wedding day, this was the coolest moment I have experienced. All morning, my sweet husband sent me texts about how excited he was.

It was perfect.

Well, on to Disney world with Nathan’s whole family. Nathan and I knew that there was a risk for miscarriage. There was always that chance that we could miscarry. My best friend miscarried her first baby and just in the past few months I had heard of two other friends who had miscarried. So, it was in the back of my mind. But, everyone tells me I worry too much, and I didn’t want to waste my time worrying, so I put it out of my mind. All of that to say, we weren’t sure whether we wanted to tell Nathan’s family at Disney world or not. We ended up telling them, and it was such a happy moment for all of us! They were so thrilled.

I was doing all of the right things. I was obsessing over whether I should eat this or that, whether I should ride rollercoasters. . . I wanted to do this right.

While at Epcot one morning, I started the process of miscarrying. I wasn’t sure at the time though, so Nathan and I were very nervous as we waited. Of course, I was freaking out and started googling again. My husband was so patient with me and comforting. We decided to take it easy that day and went back to the hotel to rest. I remember the moments of silence between Nathan and I the most. I remember feeling so comfortable just saying nothing. We both knew this could be the beginning of the end. No words needed to be said. We had each other. We didn’t need to try to fix anything or even try to give each other empty promises of things unknown. We just needed each other. That was it.

By June 18^th, I knew for sure that I was miscarrying. I grieved that day a lot. I remember my dad calling me while I was crying and I gave him the news. He had to hang up because he was crying for me too. I hope and pray Nathan will experience that kind of love for his child someday.

I don’t know how the death of babies only 6 weeks in-utero works. I don’t know if I will get to see our baby in Heaven someday. I sure hope so. But, I do know that God loved our little baby even more than we did and still do. I have no idea why God allowed this happen to us. I thought of the millions of babies being aborted and how it wasn’t fair that 2 people who just wanted to raise a baby for God’s glory could be allowed to lose it. However, another thought that still keeps coming to me is how privileged I was to carry my little baby even for just 6 weeks. To hold a life in me was a gift from my God. I thanked Him for it when I found out I was pregnant and I still thank Him for it now.

I know that miscarriage is a part of the fallen nature of this sin-filled world. And while I can’t understand it; I mean I really, really can’t understand it, I still praise the One who makes each heart beat. I praise the One who gives and takes away life. God is the only one in control of my womb. I give it to Him to do with how He sees fit. “All things work together for good.”

 He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of my Lord.

 A song that came on the radio the day Nathan and I were worried we were losing the baby was Matt Redman’s “10,000 Reasons.” We sat silently and listened to the song, both taking in the words and knowing that God was in control and is still worthy to be praised, even through trials.

 

“The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning

It’s time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

 [Chorus]

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I’ll worship Your holy name

 

You’re rich in love, and You’re slow to anger

Your name is great, and Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

 

 And on that day when my strength is failing

The end draws near and my time has come

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years and then forevermore

 

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I’ll worship Your holy name

 

Jesus, I’ll worship Your holy name

Lord, I’ll worship Your holy name

 

Sing like never before

O my soul

I’ll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I’ll worship Your holy name

I’ll worship Your holy name”